Me: “So I think the university has a Quidditch team. I’m definitely gonna join.”
KM: “THAT’S GREAT! YOU GONNA JOIN?!”
Me: “Do you even hear what I’m saying?”
KM: “CRIBBAGE?!”
Tag Archives: HOH
Fat cat
16 Jan
Fat cat CC lies on the floor all day, rarely seen to move from one spot to the other. Suddenly, she digs her nails into the scratching post and pulls her body across the floor.
Brother,
“That’s the most exercise she gets all year.”
Klez-Mom,
“You talkin’ about me again?”
The (ok, it’s been a while) weekly WHAT?!
7 SepAs many of you who visit here know, Klez-Mom is known best for her frustrating inability to hear and then re-interpret words that come out of one’s mouth. It’s utterly frustrating. But insanely hilarious, mostly for Klez-Mom herself. A few more recent cases of the daily occurrences:
The TV on an entertainment channel,
“And they’ll be amongst stars…”
Klez-Mom,
“What?! Did they just say Beyonce stars?!”
Laughs at herself, realizing what we’ve known all along,
“Could be anything I think of, couldn’t it?”
—————-
Dad, to me,
“Can you set up another fruit fly trap please?”
Klez-Mom, fixated on the food aspect of things….
“But they are SO delicious!”
—————
Sister,
“She’s kind of special. She likes the finer things.”
Klez-Mom,
“She likes stuff in it?!”
…Ya. That one stumped me too.
The Weekly WHAT?
1 AprKlez-Mom is standing by the sink with her backs to us, taking dishes out of the dishwasher. The rest of us are sitting around the dinner table, 3 feet from her.
Sister,
“Have you seen those kooloo lamps?”
Klez-Mom, shocked,
“WHAT!!!!????”
Everyone goes silent.
Epiphany found, Klez-Mom,
“Oh.”
Brother,
“What did you think she said?”
Klez-Mom,
“Ya, That’s what I thought you said.”
Hard of Hearing: Chapter 5 – Pineapple Express
1 MarStanding in the kitchen baking with my back towards Klez-Mom, brother enters the room, looking for white-out.
Photo by AngryJulieMonday (via Flickr cc)
Brother,
“Mom, do we have white-out?”
Klez-Mom,
“No”
Me,
“What?? Don’t we have white-out tape?”
Klez-Mom,
“But I don’t want pineapple. I already had pineapple the other night.”
My brother and I laugh hysterically.
Klez-Mom,
“What? Why do you want pineapple so badly?”
—————
Later…
My sister and Klez-Mom bicker all the time. In a typical episode,
Sister,
“UCH. You’re SO annoying”
Klez-Mom,
“No, YOU’RE so bowly.”
The weekly WHAT?
16 Jan
Photography by konradfoerstner (via flickr CC)
If you’ve ever encountered someone hard of hearing, you may notice a particularly annoying tendency.
Upon hearing sound coming out of your mouth, Klez-Mom will take her best stab at guessing WHAT you said. More often than not, she’s off. By a long shot.
Here goes the first edition of the weekly WHAT?
- Brother – “I have a sore muscle. Mom, do we have any tiger balm?”
–> “WHAT? You want a bong?”
- Sister – “I want to get my co-worker cashmere wrist cuffs?”
–> “WHAT? You want to give her pull-ups?”
- Friend, talking about an old teacher – “I’m pretty sure he ended up facing molestation charges”
–> “WHAT? Your teacher threw molestation parties?!”, Laughs hysterically
Hard of Hearing Chapter 4: Indian Cashews
26 NovSitting around the dinner table, we’re discussing the status of Cashew on Facebook. (My favourite cat – if you don’t know him and ‘like’ him yet, you should.)
Me,
“Did you see? Cashew even has fans in India!”
Sister,
“How does he get fans in India?”
Dad,
“You mean he’s on the internet? Everyone can see him?
Klez-Mom, interjecting without a clue of what we’re talking about,
“What do you mean it’s banned in India?”
So I like toilet water. So what?
Life is like a piece of plastic
17 AugThe family is out for lunch on a sunny afternoon. Seven of us sit around a table on a fenced off patio.
A homeless man approaches from behind us,
“Can you spare some change for a bus ticket?”
In chorus,
“No, sorry, got no change.”
Homeless man walks away. Klez-Mom waits a few seconds.
“What’d he ask for? A piece of plastic?”
Hard of Hearing: Chapter 3
17 AugPart 1 - On a sunny Saturday afternoon, my brother is busily cooking up a roasted vegetable dish. I take a plate, he takes one for himself, and then he opens the back door, to offer a plate up to Klez-Mom, who is busily working away in the garden.
“Mom, I’ve got some veggies for you!”
Klez-Mom,
“It’s the phone for me?”
Brother,
“No, veggies!”
Klez-Mom,
“Who is it?”
Brother,
“I made veggies, and I have some for you.”
Klez-Mom,
“Ok!”
A minute passes, and Klez-Mom enters the house, sweaty and covered in soil from the garden.
She hurriedly walks past us.
Klez-Mom,
“So? Where’s the phone?”
Part 2 -
In the car with Dad and Klez-Mom, we pull into a gas station. The counter is visible, as is the A&W, and the Tim Hortons in the back.
Dad, referring to seating not usually found in such gas stations,
“Look – they’ve got seats.”
Klez-Mom,
“They’ve got what?”
Klez-Mom, looks up, scans the staff composed of two South-East Asian men, responds
“Oh, ya, they’ve got Sikhs.”
Part 3 –
Sitting on the couch with my sister and Klez-Mom, we’re watching a new cooking show. Klez-Mom takes a bite out of a cookie.
My sister, referring to the TV show,
“What’s this called again?”
Klez-Mom, taking a bite,
“Shortbread.”
A Klez-Mom Classic
17 AugMy favourite Klez-Mom tale is one you may have heard, if you’ve been lucky enough to hear the tales of Klez-Mom, before she had a spot to shine.
A few of my girlfriends were over one afternoon, sitting on the couch in the living room, 5 meters away from Klez-Mom. Klez-Mom was working at her desk, lost in a cyber-world, gaze fixed on what should have been a client’s report (but was more likely a Daily Jigsaw Puzzle).
Turning to my friends, “Watch this.”
“Mom, hey Mom. Mom. Momma. Mommy. Lyn. Mom. Mom. Mom. Woman. Lady. MOM? MOM! MOOOOOM!” Blankness. Klez-Mom’s eyes glued to the monitor, she barely flinches at the various renditions of her name. Her ears seemingly sealed shut, Klez-Mom taps away at her keyboard, one hand and one finger at a time.
Turning back to my friends, “The only time she hears anything is when it has something to do with Jews, and boyfriends, and Jewish babies.”
My friend, “What?! You have a Jewish boyfriend?!?!”
Bam! Awakened from a trance, right on cue, Klez-Mom snaps away from her computer, turns her head and shrieks, “HuH? Who has a Jewish boyfriend?!”
